One of the questions I’m frequently asked when I’m out speaking to a group is this: How do I motivate someone I care about to connect to their passion?
At the root of this question is a more general urge that we all have from time to time. In essence we’re asking, “How do I get someone else to do something that I know would be good for them?”
This impetus can take many forms. Maybe you’ve wondered how you could help a significant other lose weight. Or you’ve thought about how you could make a parent happy. Or you are perpetually dropping hints about how much better off a friend would be if they left that un-hip neighborhood.
Super well intentioned.
And also super likely to fail for one simple reason.
I bet the person you are trying to motivate to make a change never asked you for your help.
Since they didn’t ask for help they either 1) haven’t acknowledged that anything is wrong or 2) their attention is on something else at the moment.
There’s a moment when an individual decides that it’s important to them to make a particular change and begins seeking (asking) for information that would help them in their endeavor. Until that point it’s fairly certain that any tip or strategy you might provide them with will be a waste of breath. Unsolicited advice is easy to give and even easier to dismiss.
We all come to things in our own time.
So what can you do to help that person that you care about right now?
1) Love them unconditionally. That means showing up for them with kindness and acceptance. It also means leaving any agenda that you might have for them at the door.
2) Work on your own life. While you may not have any control over when a loved one decides to make some improvement you do have control over yourself. Put your time and energy into your next area of growth. Be a light and an inspiration for the people that you care about.
Do you have any suggestions for when someone asks for help, but then doesn’t follow through on the advice given? A friend is in a similar situation as I am–both are recent college grads looking for jobs–and although she complains about how hard it is to get a job, she hasn’t followed through and applied to enough jobs, or actually sent out the cover letters she sent me to look at. She’s aware there’s a problem, and is frustrated, but appears unable/unwilling to take steps to fix it.
Thank you for stopping by and asking such a relevant question! Also, congratulations on your recent graduation.
First you need to make an important distinction. Is your friend still actively asking for your help or is she currently just venting in your presence? Here’s an example of what each scenario might sound like.
Still asking for help example- “I’m having a hard time making the edits to my cover letter and submitting more applications. Can we spend a little time together today to help me get started?”
Venting example- “Looking for a job is such a pain. I’m so impatient with the whole process. I wish it would work out already.”
I’m guessing that your friend is in the venting category. Correct me if I’m wrong. If she’s venting then she is not asking for help, even though it might feel like she is sometimes.
So while I do understand that listening to someone complain about a problem you’ve already helped provide a solution to is frustrating I’m going to refer you back to the two suggestions at the end of this blog post along with two other tidbits.
1) Try to identify and name the underlying emotion your friend is feeling when she is venting and reflect that back to her with a simple statement like ‘You’re feeling fed up.’ Sometimes feeling heard and understood can help someone move forward to problem solving of their own accord.
2) Recognize that you are a friend (to your friend), not a parent, a boss, a therapist, or a coach. Friends hang out and enjoy one another’s company. Try talking about a more enjoyable topic or finding a fun diversion that you can do together. It’s not your responsibility to fix your friend’s job search. It’s hers.
Good luck, and let me know if I can answer any other questions!